| Until the day I die, I'll spill my heart for you... |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
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[March 1, 10:10 am] |
This journal is now a friends only!
Two shortRules...*
1.) You must comment at least once and a while, or else you'll be removed.
2.) Don't judge me/bitch at me, or else you'll be removed from my friends list.
** remember, you have to be signed in to your name to view my most recent update**
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| And I struggle to be pure... |
[February 16, 5:38 pm] |
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Trust-- it's a word that so many people have trouble containing. Especially me. You try to deny it, you try to ignore it, and you try to hide it...but it's always there. The struggle to have faith and trust in someone, when so many oppourtunities are right there infront of them. It's like having your favorite food infront of you when you're on a diet. It's nearly impossible to not have it. Do you put trust in someone that has made the same mistake twice? It's hard. Extremely hard. Something you can't even really explain. It's just rotting in your mind until it breaks so much of you, that you just blurt it out; and then not have anyone understand.
This journal is nearly pointless, I bare my soul. Read it over, look like an idiot. More shit has happened with this relationship, and I'm surprised I'm still in it. If I didn't love him as much as I do, it would have been over a couple weeks ago. I'm also surprised I'm still standing. They say God never gives you situations you can't handle, but I'm starting to find that hard to believe. I don't know if I'm handling it, denying it, or ignoring it? I know all this will catch up to me, make me worry, and make me sick sooner or later.
I don't know if I'm going to update anymore. I'm contemplating on making it a friends only journal, but it's kind of pointless because my friends don't even read this anymore. Whatever-- I'm out.
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| Don't cry, just say goodbye...* |
[February 14, 9:40 am] |
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Me and Tim can literally not have a one week span without me, or him, thinking about shit. Today during this block, J got an anonymous Singing Valentine having that one song "L.O.V.E" I know I shouldnt judge too quickly about him being the one who sent it, but this gut feeling is so strong that it's actually making me sick to my stomach.
He gets pissed when I worried about it, so I guess I should either suck it up and act like nothing is wrong...make him jealous in return...or completely go off on him. None are really good choices, but I gotta do fucking something.
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| Ah! |
[February 14, 8:18 am] |
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AH! They just did the singing Valentine- holy shit that was embaressing.I felt my face get really hot, lol. I hope they embaress him just as much as it embaressed me. I'm just glad I was in here when it happened and not in my study hall class. The song was sweet though. Aw I love him. <33
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| We've gone too far to turn back...* |
[February 14, 8:12 am] |
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Well, this past weekend was pretty good. There were two downfalls of course, but otherwise...freaking amazing.
Friday me, Tim and his half sister went out to see a movie. (Hitch) It was pretty funny, but the previews made it seem funnier than it actually was. Then after the movie ended I couldn't get a hold of my mom, and I was tired of dialing the numbers over and over again...so I just went through Tim's phonebook to get to my number, and I passed J's number. (Girl he likes, girl that likes him.) It pissed me off, considering...
1.) she put it in there, and
2.) he lied and said he didn't know her number...and
3.) he said i was the only girl besides family and Sam that was in there.
But whatever, you know? I'm over it. He's with me, it's all I should care about. If he really wanted to be with her, he'd be with her. I'm not mad at him.... but J? Oh man. If she wasn't an extra 100 pounds heavier than I am, she would be on the fucking ground.
Saturday, me and Tim spend the day together again. He gave me this Valentines Day card he made from scratch, with a cute little poem/quote in it. Then gave me a little stuffed bear that when you press it's heart in its hand, it plays "You are my Sunshine." Adorable, I thought. It was all I wanted. The day and the night went amazing, up until Tim get's a phonecall. J calls him at 11:30 at night, but he ignores the call. This girl seriously needs to be talked to, Tim doesn't want me to..but, fuck....he won't talk to her, and I KNOW that. If shit keeps going the way it's going, then I AM talking to her. Anyway, I try to ignore it by distracting myself. Fun times. We fall asleep.
Sunday, my mom picks me up and then I go the mall to buy Tim something for V-day. I buy him the new Eminem Encore CD, because the one he has doesn't work since it was burned all shitty. (I bought myself that Ciara CD too, it's pretty good.) Then I get home, and make him a shitload of cupcakes. (His half sister, Nicole, made some for her boyfriend and he wanted some... so I made them.)
Then he says he bought me more stuff and I wouldn't be able to carry it all in school Monday, so he comes over Sunday night. I bring two cupcakes up to my room with two pepsi's, light two candles, throw down my fuzzy kinky/romantic looking blanket, and wait for him to get there. It was my pathetic attempt at romance, but he liked it. He got me this single rose, that was white and had pink tips. It smelled beautiful, and looked gorgeous. Then got me a boque (or h/e you spell it) of carnations that had glitter all over it. Then also got me this cheetah that when you press it, it says "I think you're puuurrrfect." It's cute, lol. THEN, he also got me this stuffed dog that was inside of a huge balloon, and it had candy hearts all in it. I have to pop the balloon to get the candy, but I don't want to do that yet. Maybe when I'm desperate for candy or something I will. He liked his cupcakes and CD, and I loved everything he got me. We cuddled and watched "Blue Collar Comedy Tour" until he had to leave. We celebrated our V-day a day early since he has to go somewhere after school today. But today I'm gonna get that "Singing Valentine" thing. Where the chorus people come into your classroom, and sing a song that your Valentine picked out. Embarresing, but sweet. I get embarresed when people sing fucking Happy Birthday to me. So, out of revenge and love, I got him one. Haha.
Last night he says he's going to Rochester with Shaun. I can't go since my cousin is coming down Saturday, which creates a little problem for me. I'm extremely worried about him getting drunk and hooking up with another girl. It happened before, but we weren't exactly going out then. IDK, I just hope he can make a rightful decision. And if he doesn't, I hope he tells me. I'm not going to worry about it too much though.
Wonderful weekend overall, and no bitch will ruin it. I won't let J, or any other college slut take away mine and Tim's relationship.
[ no one reads this/ no one leaves comments, I may not update anymore. ]
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| And I'll walk away from it all before it goes any further...-eminem |
[February 11, 7:54 am] |
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Tim says he had an epiphany, or however you spell it, and he loves me and only wants to be with me. Now, he's having problems again.
He's so fucking hypocritical, I just TALKED to one guy--and he got jealous. Can he imagine if I actually liked the fucking guy? I mean for real, he worries about me talking to someone...yet I'm not supposed to worry when he actually LIKES another girl?
I really do not see one thing about the girl, I'll call J, that would attract Tim. She's so beastly...it makes me feel like literal shit that he likes her when she's not even attractive (neither physically, nor her personality is attractive.) I asked him what he liked about J, and he didn't want to tell me. But he always breaks down and tells me. He said she 'turns him on.' She's like 300 pounds, what the fuck? I said something of that nature, and he was like... "I told you I don't like really skinny people."
Wow-- this is such bullshit. If I didn't love him so much I would definetly end this crap right now. I don't deserve this--at all. I just can't say goodbye, I love him way too fucking much. This whole shit is so frusterating, it's killing me. This sucks such huge balls.
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| I've been alone all along... |
[February 8, 8:19 am] |
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Update--
Tim likes another girl more manly than my dad and brother put together. He's now less sure about continuing on with our relationship...
Tim fucked some girl I have problems with in the little time we broke up out of revenge...
I don't know how much more I can literally take before I go back to what I used to. These past few weeks have been literal punches in the stomach to me, and I can barely breathe. My heart feels torn to peices. Yet I "shouldnt worry."
So..smile and bare it, right? Hope to "God" that I don't return to my past?
If it was only easy as it sounds. Damnit, I fucking LOVE this life of mine.
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[February 7, 3:26 pm] |
Okay I wrote an entry a while ago, but it crapped out and deleted. Here's basically what I said..
Friday night, Tim comes over and acts extemely distant. He leaves when he didn't have to, telling me nothing was wrong. Then he calls me later and tells me that there is a part of him that wants to break up with me. It killed me to hear that. I literally couldn't breathe right, I felt like I was choking. He then said something that hurt even more.... I feel like since we've been dating for 3 months, I have nothing else to see Um, ouch?
I understand the fact he's going to want to change everything since his dad's death, but this is something I know he wouldn't want to change. It would hurt him, and I, way too much. I want to give him what he wants, but he doesn't know what that is. He says he won't break up with me, but if he has doubt, then he might, you know?
He said this wasn't a big problem until I started to worry about it. I don't see his perspective on that though, at all. If he has doubt in a relationship that is going so well, that is a problem. But whatever, he says he only thinks about it when we're not together or right before he goes to sleep. I try not to worry about it too much, cause I know it pisses him off.
Well just wanted to post that-- anyone give me adivice.
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[February 7, 3:08 pm] |
The Eagles lost, I'm extremely pissed. They should have one, hands down. But I knew they wouldn't, they didn't really gave a chance.
Watched the superbowl with Tim, and then he drove me home. Got stuck in my driveway, and then he ran into my hot tub. Almost hut me, but I moved. It was hilarious though. Didn't do anything to his car, it just moved the hot tub like inches.
I got to drive yesterday to drop off my application as a waitress. Then this morning to drive to school since my mom let me sleep in until 9. Let's just say I'm a little rusty on driving... lol
Nothing else is new-- update later. </3
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| And You still don't hear me.... |
[February 4, 6:52 pm] |
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How many lives can God ruin?
I seriously can't take this FUCKING shit anymore... I'm not this strong. I can't fucking do it--
Whatever
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| Enslaved within my mind... |
[February 3, 8:15 am] |
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Oh the irony...
I found more out about this guy. I don't remember his last name, but someone told me. And check this shit-- the guy who fucking killed Tim was related to my exboyfriend, Ron. How ironic...
Anyway, more and more questions are getting asked as this week progresses. It's starting to get to me, too. Just as that shit escapes my mind, someone has to bring it up again. It's so fucking hard dealing with this. I thought it was just a terrible loss, but it's effecting everything else.
TJ has been up and down, which is understandable. I feel selfish though, and I told my mom that...but she says it's human. It's hard to go from being SO close to someone, and then have them shut you out.
Last night he told me he was at unrest and fearful of our relationship. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest, I thought he was going to end it with me. He says he won't, but what else will he do? It's so hard...so fucking hard.
I haven't been able to sleep a long, deep, sleep in over a week now. I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted right now. I feel like I have no one at all to talk to either, I feel SO alone.
And I consider this to be a selfish and greedy emotion. Other people are way more alone than me, so why break myself thinking I have no one at all?
I'm so trapped between thoughts I can barely think anymore.
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| Pictures!! |
[January 31, 8:42 pm] |
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Here's some wonderful pictures-- I felt like posting one more since I'm bored and I'm putting off my American History homework. Hehe... my bad. Hope you like them <33
Me and my Tim hugging, currently my desktop background...:o)
just, me and matt "getting down" as he called it...lol
me and tim...yes, that's a "gun" in my hand, and the look tim is giving me is priceless...lol
meh, whatever, i wanted to post more but my computer crapped out. i'll try some other time
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| And I struggle to get up again... |
[January 31, 7:30 pm] |
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Well today wasn’t that bad, I did get asked questions... and TJ did get a lot of stares and apologies for his loss. It hurt a couple times when I was looking through my planner and saw I wrote in TJ’s dad’s birthday on June 19th. I didn’t cry though, almost did...but not quite.
Well I figured out why the guy, who was 22 and his name was Andy...didn’t get charged most likely. He just happened to be a fireman, so the court/police obviously was slacking a little in the case. It just pissed the fuck out of me, he lives right down the road from one guy I know. Ugh, I’m sorry but if I EVER see this kid— he’s not going to like me much. Not at fucking all....
TJ came over for a while today— we watched some TV and my momma cooked us dinner. He left shortly after dinner to go see his Aunt though. I am just so comfortable around him, it’s crazy. I’ve never been this in love. I love feeling the way I do around him, it’s like no other feeling in the world. Nothing in this universe could make me feel this good; no drug, no suppressant, and especially no one else. I love him with all my heart. Sorry to babble on, but shit, it’s hard not to.
Rawr– I have to find a job severely. I want to work as a waitress, but I don’t think anyone here in this small town is hiring. I mean everyone who wanted work has it....even TJ most likely has a job as a pizza delivery boy. – I’m gonna order there a lot, and tip him well. :o) --
Well I’m gonna have to go do some bullshit American History crap so I don’t fail. New semester started today, and I kinda have to try harder. I’m slacking horribly in the homework area, it just seems pointless to me. We slave ourselves for like 6 hours, why do it at home for like an extra 2 or 3? (Well for me, more like 20 minutes...if that.) I don’t know, it just seems pointless to me. Haha.
Leave comments...--
</3
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[January 30, 7:49 pm] |
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You traveled through inches of snow on a dusty road
Continuing life as if it were to last forever
Lights blind your eyes— and yet they blind ours
Even through this darkness we know as life
And our hearts too, have stopped beating
Memories perform in our dreams like a broken record
Skipping on your face, it never seems to stop playing
Although we try to shut it off, it turns back on
And we’re left with broken pieces of your love
To pick up and cherish until we too, are blinded.
It's stupid, but whatever. Update tomorrow sometime if my computer continues to work. Tomorrow should be fucking wonderful.... so expect a happy one. Heh, right.
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| Long weekend... |
[January 30, 2:35 pm] |
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(for furture referance, I'm referring to my boyfriend Tim as TJ so you won't get confused with my boyfriend Tim and his dad... which i'm going to put at Tim M.)
Well Friday I went over to TJ's house, and slept over there. Then woke up at like 9:10 Sat. morning and got ready for the funeral. The reverand there just PISSED the FUCK out of me. He was talking about fucking sheep and astronomy when there was someone fucking dead. Idk, I'm not in the whole 'i love jesus and god for eternity' mood right now. I cried when they played all the Pink Floyd and talked about him. They kept playing that one song, i'm not too sure of the title but it says 'if i saw you in heaven,' and they also played 'freebird' a lot. The yearn or earn or whatever was really cool looking, it wasn't just like a bottle. It was this big eagle with mountains in the back- (his fav. animal was an eagle.) The 'in memory' card had a really good picture of him on it, and an eagle on the background. With a quote on the side saying...
Idk if I've posted this or just thought about it, but IDK how TJ is going to handle his dad's birthday. It's June 19th, which also happens to be father's day. It's like a double hit... :o(
Anyway, after the funeral we went to the American Legion which is this bar Tim M. always went to. We could smoke in there, so yeah...needless to say, I have only 3 cigarettes left. I think I've smoked 3 packs in the past week alone. (A lot more than I usuallly do.) They had this slideshow of all these pictures of Tim M. and his family and friends. They played a lot more of his favorite music to go along with the show and then put the same picture that was on the 'in memory' card at the end. After that, we went back to TJ's house and everyone got drunk. I felt so bad because TJ finally broke down and cried. He cried on my shoulder for nearly an hour, and kept apologizing for 'being a girl' and crying. It's understandable though, he hasn't cried at all since it happend except for when he told me and actually said it outloud. He probably cried last night/early this morning because his defenses were let down since he was so trashed, but everything he was saying made me cry even more. He talked to his dad an hour before the accident happened, and Tim M. said he was on his way home. Idk why that bothers me so much, but probably because I and everyone else will still be waiting for his grand arrival.
Long weekend- and I'm definetly not looking forward to school tomorrow. This all happened over regents week, which no one really had to go to school for. What a fucking break this has been...and tomorrow we get to celebrate it with a whole pity and question party. TJ will get the pity and sympathy, I'll get the "is TJ okay?" and I'll get asked all the fucking details. This hurts so much. I still don't think it's fully hit me, I say these things like he's gone...but it feels like I still don't actually believe it. It's just so unreal...
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| And I want to escape from my mind...* |
[January 28, 1:57 pm] |
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I know I already updates today, but I have to get this all out.
I was reading over my old entries and came across this line, "Shaun and Josh showed up, and then I got ride home with Tim's dad."
It kills me to know I won't see him again. Augh, it won't get out of my head. My mom called me a couple minutes ago and told me that someone from work cut out the calling hours and shit for Tims Dad from the newspaper. I want to go to it, but he acted weird when Shaun said he wanted to go. Idk, I don't want to go if it will make him uncomfortable.
I just wish I could turn back time and make him alive. Make Tim's life better with a father/best friend. Tim is hurting so badly, I just wish him happiness and I can't even give him that. All I keep asking myself is WHY. The only question that comes to mind, but comes to my mind nearly every minute.
Ontop of that, Ashton is pissing me off with this whole relgious thing. Here's what she said...
well if he was born again and loved God and followed His commandments then hes in heaven and thats so much better than here...you know so why would that be upsetting?...but idk sounds like tim has had a reall really hard life:-\
WHY WOULD IT BE UPSETTING? He's gone. He's dead. That's why it's upsetting. If God was real woudln't he do something for Tim? I don't know why I even pray, I have so little faith. I feel like it's the only option, but it's something I don't have 100% hope in it. Whatever, I'll keep praying. I just don't understand it all.
I'm gonna go..whatever.
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| And I try so hard... |
[January 28, 11:32 am] |
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Tim ended up sleeping over, and he said it helped him a lot. I've never seen him so sad in my life, it hurts so much to see him like this. I never did cry around him, he said he was tired of seeing people cry and tired of people giving him hugs and whatever. So I stayed strong, but a couple times I had to turn my head and bite my lip. It just doesn't seem to get out of my head, you know? It's always there. It just wasn't his time, at all. And what pisses me off is that the guy or girl isn't being charged. Idk why I want them to be, 'cause they will live with it for the rest of their lives.
We went out to dinner last night at Ruby Tuesday's, but we had to pass the accident scene twice. It hurt so much passing it, knowing his life ended right there. I don't know how Tim will go back to his house and live there, considering his dad died like 100 feet away from there. He's only been home once for like an hour since Tuesday. I feel so helpless, but he says I'm doing a lot for him. I just wish I could bring his dad back...
I say it's hard to believe in God now, but I pray everynight. For something amazingly good to happen to Tim and his family. And to give Tim's family and friends the strength to get through this strongly. Tim's been broken to a point he believes he has no heart left. He needs something amazing to happen. And the only way that can come true is if I pray, although this whole God thing is so hard to believe.
Calling hours and what not are Saturday, I guess he's being creamated or however you spell it. :o\ I haven't asked to go, but I want to. Idk what the fuck to do anymore, I'm so fucking lost.
Anyone who reads this-please just pray. I sound like a dork saying it, but what else can I do? Please...
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| It's things like this that make me think You're not real....* |
[January 26, 3:52 pm] |
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Well me and Tim are back together, we got back together Monday. I went over there Monday night, slept over. I'm really glad we're together again, he makes me feel so complete. Like no other love. I've never felt this way before, and I was stupid to doubt it. I can't doubt it EVER again, I promise myself that.
Tuesday- worst day in the fucking world. Started out okay, Tim drove Nicole (his sister) to practice, and he came back to my house for a while. Called Shaun, asked if he wanted to hang out and go see a movie later. Tim goes back home, then around 7:00 I go to Tims house to get ready to leave for the movies. When we approach his house, there's flares and cops all around where the road splits. I thought it was just a car crash due to the shitty weather, I would have never thought anything different.
Tim's dad, whom I love to death because he is the funniest, sweetest, nicest person in the world, died. His car broke down and he was walking back to his house, and he was literally 2 houses away and a truck with a plow on the front hit him. He was so fucking close, and this had to happen. I didn't know it then when I was at Tim's house, and this was all going on when we were right there, 2 houses away. So, as I said we didn't know, we went to the movies. After seeing "Are we there Yet?" we were on our way back to drop me and Tim off. Shaun gets a call on his cell phone from his did saying Tim's sister Nicole called saying there was a family emergency and Tim needed to get home asap. Tim called Nicole, and he couldn't really understand her, but she said his dad was hit by a car. Tim then held onto me, not really sure what condition he was in and told me he was scared. I had a really bad gut feeling, and tried to tell him it's allright. When we approached his house, there was at least 8 cars in his driveway and then we could tell something wasn't good. I walked him up to his door, and when we opened it I heard so many people crying. I waited outside and when Tim came back out he held onto me and said, "He's fucking dead. He's dead." He started crying, (and he's not the person who cries at all) which made me cry. He told me he'd call me tomorrow and went back inside with his family. I wanted to stay with him, console him, cry with him...but I understood he needed to be with family.
It kills me, so much. It wasn't his time to go-- why does God do this? Shit like this makes me wonder if there really IS a God. Despite my doubt, I prayed all night last night. For his family, for him, and for everyone else who knew him. He was such a great guy, he was like my own dad. I lost a part of me that I know I can't get back. I don't know how Tim is holding up, but I know it can't be good. He hasn't spoke to his mother in like 7-10 years and now he doesn't even have a father. I wish I could help him... I want to make everything be okay. But all I can do is be there for him when he needs me...and I hate feeling this helpless..
Fucking 2 houses away from being home, and God rips away his life. Only 43 years old.
--Well Tim's coming over later if it's alright with his uncle. I don't want him to leave...so idk if he actually will spend the night or not. I hope he does..:o\
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| Why do we lie here and whisper goodbyes? |
[January 24, 8:10 am] |
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Wow, what a horrible weekend. Tim and I broke up Friday night (well, we’re taking a break) and I haven’t gotten much sleep since then. I scared myself out the relationship, I’ve never been this attatched to someone in such a short amount of time…it’s only been three months and now I can’t even function right without him. The fact he was going to Navy, we’ve been fighting, AND me being so incredibly in-love with him….just tore us apart for a while. I told him I didn’t want to break up for good, but it’s only been 3 days and I don’t know how much longer I can take it… I didn’t want to jump right back into the relationship because it wouldn’t have helped us at all. But Jesus Christ, how much longer can I take this? I saw him through a classroom window this morning and almost broke down. Next block his class is right across from mine. I can’t take seeing him and not being able to hug him or kiss him. This ‘break’ is like fucking torture, but I guess in a way it’s worth it. I was hurting him by never being happy, and it always caused problems with us. The last thing I want in this world is to hurt him…and I totally went against that and caused him pain.
I almost went back to cutting, but instead I punched a wall like a billion times. It didn’t help, and neither did smoking a whole pack of cigarettes. I called him Sunday, and we talked for a while. When he talked to me it felt like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest. He had to go though to go eat dinner, he said he’d call me back…but he never did. I think what hurt most is that he said he’s adjusting to it already…but I can’t expect him to sit in misery, I would rather have him be happy. But it’s only been 3 days, and he’s already getting used to it? I don’t know… I have to do something to get him off my mind. Fucking impossible, but I’ll do anything. Oh and what makes things worse I know I’ll have to be near him for at least a half hour at the end of the day because I have to stay after to make up a final since I missed a class and then the next class we only had a half hour rather than 80 minutes because of the damn 2 hour delay. How am I going to do that? Being right next to him and not being able to be in his arms? I don’t fucking know, I fucking hate this shit… so much.
Well whatever, a class is going to be coming in soon so I’ll probably be kicked off the computer. Not like it matters, no one reads this journal anyway. It’s more of a venting thing, not for the purpose of letting people know what’s going on…although if people did read this thing, it would do that. Well, whatever. I’m out…
</3> Where can I go where your picture won’t haunt me? </marquee>
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[January 20, 2:39 pm] |
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Yeah, this is going to be a short update.
Me and Tim aren't going too well, I might be single soon. Not a good thing, my emotions are getting in the way.
Went to the the nurses for my little year checkup thing, and found out that I gained 10 pounds in the last year and got no taller. (Nasty.) Oh, and I may have scoliosis, or h/e you spell it.
Life sucks, hey whatever, it happens.
Gotta go meet Tim, going to his house. Update whenever...
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